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The Top Five Hot Actresses Roundly Ignored by Fanboys at Comic-Con 2008

I’ve seen it for myself several times, now: sometimes comic book conventions can be gayer than the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy driving Mazda Miatas to a wine and cheese party at Clay Aiken’s house to listen to Liza Minnelli records. Which–if you’ve ever sat through three lame punchlines on Will & Grace–you very well know is pretty gay.

By all appearances, many of the largely-male crowd at Comic-Con have rarely ventured into the sunlight, let alone into the undergarments of a moderately-attractive woman. You’d think that a professionally-sexy Hollywood actress would garner some attention. At least some random howls of hormonal anguish. But the closest you’ll get to hearing a sound like that at SDCC is standing near the Mattel booth when they announce that the limited-edition Cobra Commander figures have sold out.

No, fanboys would much rather lavish their awkwardly adulating attention upon famous dudes who tell cock jokes or blow shit up.

5) Naomie Harris from Ninja Assassin

Naomie Harris at Comic-Con
Not even pretending to be interested to be there. Not that anyone noticed.

Ignored in favor of: Korean pop star, Rain

Rain at Comic-Con

What a waste of attention. This dude couldn’t speak enough English to talk his way out of a phone booth. The Q&A session went a lot like this:

Exuberant fan #1: “Hey, Rain, you’re awesome. You’re totally awesome. Now that you’ve done an action movie, are you going to move on to something like comedy? I love you. You’re awesome.”

Rain: “I work very hard on this movie. Very good. Everyone… give your money… see it.”

Exuberant fan #2: “Rain, you’re so cute. What do you like about American girls?”

Rain: “I work very hard on this movie. Very good. Everyone… give your money… see it.”

4) Jaime King from Sin City

Jaime King at Comic-Con
“Um, are these nerds going to talk to me, or what?”

Ignored in favor of: Samuel L. Jackson

Samuel L Jackson at Comic-Con

You could actually hear the erections growing when Sam Jackson started talking about his collection of action figures of himself. The crowd laughed and clapped like delighted toddlers when he described fights he’d stage between the Mace Windu and Shaft figures on his desk.

3) Natalie Martinez from Death Race

Natalie Martinez at Comic-Con
This is the face of someone whose soul has just died just a little.

Ignored in favor of: Jason Statham

Jason Statham at Comic-Con

During the Q&A, a fanboy actually led the audience of 5,000+ people in singing an enthusiastic round of “Happy Birthday” to the British action star. Which I’m sure was a bit disconcerting to Statham, since his screaming groupies usually have vaginas.

2) Carla Gugino from Race to Witch Mountain

Carla Gugino at Comic-Con
Carla consistently had trouble keeping her ‘smile’ from looking like a Pursed-Lipped Smirk of Ultimate Disdain.

Ignored in favor of: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Dwayne Johnson at Comic-Con

Apparently showing your glorious breasts for a solid 30-seconds in Sin City doesn’t measure up against starring in the live-action adaptation of Doom.

1) Amber Heard from Pineapple Express

Amber Heard at Comic-Con
“Can you believe I teased my hair for this?”

Ignored in favor of: Seth Rogen and James Franco

Seth Rogen and James Franco at Comic-Con

At Comic-Con, pairing up a nerd who Made It Big and a dude who co-starred in Spider-Man is like playing Guitar Hero on the hardest setting with a blindfold on and peanut butter on your fingers. That shit just can’t be beat.

Not at all ignored: Traci Lords and Katie Morgan of Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Traci Lords and Katie Morgan at Comic-Con

Yeah, put a couple of porn stars on stage, and suddenly you have the crowd’s attention. Shocking.

Am I wrong when I guess you’ve suddenly got a mental picture of a sweaty, pantless comic book nerd sitting in his dark basement in front of the glow of a computer screen?

No? You weren’t at all thinking about that until I mentioned it? Yikes. My bad.

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7 comments… add one
  • Nathan D August 1, 2008, 11:30 am

    My brain is scarred from that last image.

  • Mel Valentin August 1, 2008, 11:32 am

    Letting my inner fanboy out for a stroll: awesome post, GWS, awesome post. More like this please.

    And my inner fanboy’s back in the box.

  • nickolai August 1, 2008, 11:35 am

    Love this. I enjoy picturing these Hollywood hotties, wondering why, for possibly the first time in their lives, no one in a room full of guys is paying attention to them.

    That’s real life, honeys.

  • Rhiannon August 1, 2008, 3:24 pm

    As a girl who grew up playing RPGs all night with a bunch gamers who actually were gay, I feel these ladies’ pain.

    I remember what it was like, acting out my half-elf’s struggle to get out of some despair-ridden pit, practically falling out of my top, only to be shushed as everyone was busy listening to (keeping their hands below the table) one of the boys’ tale of fighting his way out of an orc-encampment and losing his clothes on the way.

    (BTW, How did I not know about Race to Witch Mountain?! Escape was my favorite movie as a kid!)

  • Paul August 1, 2008, 3:38 pm

    Well to be a super nerd again, I think some of the time the females are ignored based on the fact that they’re sitting next to stars that are 10 times bigger than them. Sam Jackson vs. Jaime King? No contest!

    Also it’s THE HASBRO BOOTH that sells Cobra Commander. I swear you put that in there for me to point it out and look like a giant dousche.

  • Great White Snark August 1, 2008, 4:59 pm

    @Paul No, that was just a byproduct of my writing this at 2a last night. Simple mistake.

    You’re a douche because you spelled douche with an “s”. Douche.

  • Paul August 1, 2008, 5:02 pm


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