It’s cinematic, it’s geeky, it’s symptomatic of the black hole that is Hollywood’s imagination, it’s… Battle of the Redundant Geek Movies!
This episode’s bout features two opponents who haven’t been so unevenly matched since Dan Quayle took on a fifth grader in a spelling contest.
Redundant synopses… commence!
A leather-clad, sword-wielding, half-vampire whose mother was viciously attacked by one of the unded must fight back bouts of bloodlust while fighting to save humanity from the vampire scourge.
Point: Director Uwe Boll is much better at challenging other directors to fistfights than he is at making movies.
Of course, I’m probably better at making doodies1 than Uwe Boll is at making movies. So. There’s that.
Point: Rule: A schlocky horror film must offer a topless scene to mitigate the discomfort of enduring everything else that’s so not right about the movie. Bloodrayne obliges.
Oh, too good for topless scenes, are we, Blade? Look who thinks they’re an Oscar contender all of a sudden. Man, give a movie a budget over $1.5 million and suddenly it gets all full of itself.
Point: It sucks when a movie tarnishes the otherwise-respectable career of an actor moving into his twilight years. Thankfully, Kris Kristofferson officially kicked-ass in the Blade films.
On the other hand, Ben Kingsley accelerated with Bloodrayne a journey to humiliation that arguably began with Thunderbirds and most recently jumped to lightspeed with The Love Guru.
C’mon, Sir Ben, what’s up with joining a cast that featured the likes of Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, and what’s-her-name who played the robot in the non-Cameron Terminator film? You think you’re throwing them a bone or something? Adopt a child if you’re so interested in charity, but don’t get those poor bastards’ hopes up. You’re not doing yourself or them any favors.
Point: Blade‘s action sequences benefited from brilliant choreography, a thumpin’ musical score, and lighting effects.
Dear Bloodrayne: Cinematically speaking, poor lighting does not equal “mood” lighting. Condescendingly, Me.
Point: Blade helped put high-quality comic book movies on the map.
Bloodrayne, along with other crappy video-game-to-movie adaptations Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead, helped put Uwe Boll on the map.
I’m only shocked that Bloodrayne managed to score a point. Considering the source of the point, though, it’s a good thing I didn’t give more credit to Bloodrayne than was due… since boobs have indeed been known to impair my objectivity.
What say you? Did I miss any points?
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