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Top Ten: What Would Corey Feldman Twitter?

The closest I had to a celebrity run-in at Comic-Con last month came when a huge dude sporting gold chains, a leopard print muscle shirt, and a name tag marked “Guest of Corey Feldman” asked me for directions on the Con floor “to the Thundercats. You know, Lion-O. Thundercats.”

Ok, first, sir, you’ve met me on the floor of a comic book convention. You can be damn sure I know the Thundercats. No need to clarify by listing the names of some of the principal characters. That’s like being in Las Vegas and asking a sweaty, mustachioed guy in a trench coat for directions to the AVN (Adult Video Network) Awards, and then saying, “You know, Jenna Jameson?” Uh, yeah, that guy knows.

Second, Mr. of Corey Feldman–if that is your real last name–what is the entry fee, exactly, for the privilege of counting yourself amongst the posse of a has-been, self-important, deluded C-list actor? Because I’ve got $36 burning a hole in my pocket and I hear Casper Van Dien might be in the market for a new BFF.

“Wait,” you say, “I know Feldman’s a has-been, but… deluded? Now you’re just being a Meanie Meanerson, GWS.”

“Nay!” I respond. Because I occasionally speak like a medieval English dandy. Corey Feldman is the same guy who says:

I like to do something that’s a challenge for me as an actor. Being in business as long as I have, you want to make sure that you’re constantly challenging yourself and setting obstacles and I think this certainly was one of those…

…regarding the straight-to-video exercise in pillaging pop culture treasures from the 1980s, Lost Boys: The Tribe. The same dude who refers to his work in Bikini Bandits and The Toxic Avenger IV as his “craft.”

At which point, I conclude with, “Guffaw.”

Makes you wonder how a character like this operates. What conversations and thoughts does he have? What would he Twitter?

By the by, if you’re unfamiliar with Twitter, it’s a service that allows you to publicly notify your friends and contacts of your daily activities and thoughts in quick, 140-character-or-less updates from your phone or computer. Which is ridiculous in theory, but addictive in practice.

  1. @JoelSilver Have a chance to watch that Lost Boys 2 DVD I sent over? It’s gold, man. Gold.
  2. @GaryColeman coming over to help me work on my craft
  3. Saw G. Clooney downtown today. He told me to stop wearing dark sunglasses indoors b/c it makes me look like a “douche.” I WAS IN GOONIES!
  4. Total b.s. My band Truth Movement booed off stage last night. That’s the last time we play Waffle House.
  5. If I weren’t successful, would my wife’s breasts be so big? No. And everybody knows it, because we’re on TV. Life is sweet.
  6. @JoelSilver Having tough time reaching you. Called 3 times today. Your assistant: “He’s out to lunch.” At 9, 2 and 7p? Call me, dude!
  7. Just saw my ex Vanessa Marcil on an ep of Las Vegas on NBC. Looks good. Wonder if she regrets giving all this up. I WAS IN STAND BY ME!
  8. @haim That’s the last time I clean your vomit out of the pool. It smells like crack, stomach acid, and hair dye.
  9. @Guido Gather up the posse. We’re hitting a sci-fi convention in Tuscon.
  10. @JoelSilver Seriously, though, dude. Lost Boys 3. Let’s make it happen. I’m available. Any time.

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8 comments… add one
  • Karen MW August 11, 2008, 8:45 am

    I think you are being generous by saying a “C list actor”. Definitely D List….for exceptional douchery! Curse of the child actor!

  • nickolai August 11, 2008, 1:49 pm

    Child stardom is a curse! How many kiddie stars actually sustained or built on their juvenile laurels?

    Kirsten Dunst
    Drew Barrymore (ugh)
    Eliza Dushku
    Ricky Schroder
    Jessica Alba
    Sean Astin

    OK, there are a lot…

  • Matt August 11, 2008, 5:28 pm

    If you’re going to include Ricky Schroder, you have to add Jason Bateman since they started out on Silver Spoons together.

    And then you gotta toss that coin for Jerry O’Connell. He was in Stand By Me with the Feldster, did scifi in Sliders and then pretty much slid down the slope from there. Of course he did marry Rebecca Romijn (which is why I give him the benefit of a coin toss).

    Hey, wait a minute. I just realized where my youth went!

    You missed a twitter…

    OKOKOK. Dream a(nother) Little Dream (Electric Boogaloo) and that’s my final offer

  • Great White Snark August 11, 2008, 5:32 pm

    Matt, do you want to come write for me? I’ll pay you in hugs and compliments.

  • Matt August 11, 2008, 7:41 pm

    Absolutely! That would be… wait a minute. How MANY hugs?

    I’ll drop you a line at your contact email.

  • Cynthia August 11, 2008, 9:50 pm

    Best line in the post:

    “‘Nay!’ I respond. Because I occasionally speak like a medieval English dandy.”

    I nearly spewed out a mouthful of chamomile tea. Thank you, GWS.

  • nickolai August 12, 2008, 4:19 pm

    I forgot both O’Connell and Bateman. Nice adds, though if you add Bateman, you (kinda) gotta throw in Alfonso Ribeiro, no? Carlton Banks was the freshest.

  • Matt August 12, 2008, 7:26 pm

    True, I thought about Ribeiro – there’s no denying Carlton’s fly-ness. But I think if we include him, we’re opening the door to your Mayim Bialiks and your Andrea Barbers, and I’m not really mentally prepared to deal with Blossom and Kimmy Gibbler from Full House right now.

    Still Carlton loved Tom Jones music, right?

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