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The Five Step Zombie Guide to Going Green

Everyone should do their part to protect our environment and planet right now so that future generations of… whatever… don’t have to pay the price.


Meatbag compost pile.

5) Compost your leftovers.

Don’t leave a gutted carcass where one of your shuffling, undead brethren can trip over it. Compost it!

If we don’t keep this mudball tidy, who will? The meatbags? No. They’re too busy screaming and scurrying. Always with the screaming and scurrying. If it weren’t for those delicious brains of theirs, they’d be positively useless.

4) Reduce, reuse, recycle.

Happiness is a mouthful of frontal lobe. Not some fancy new accessory.

So you took a new “FBI: Female Body Inspector” cap off of some dead meatbag and now you’re wearing it on your rotting head like you’re a living, breathing person or something. Ha, ha, we get it. You’re all ironic and everything.

What’s next? Designer jeans and t-shirts with clever slogans?

Get over yourself! Un-life ain’t a fashion show. Be content to do your aimless roaming in the now-tattered clothes you were buried in, just like the rest of us.

3) Eat organic food, locally-grown and chemical-free.

Sure, we all like the taste of exotic, imported meats. But every delicious Indian, Spanish, or French meatbag had to get to this part of the globe somehow. And that somehow involved a lot of carbon emissions. Munch on Mexican if you’re so tired of white meat.

Also, avoid food that’s been chemically treated to artificially increase its meatiness. You wouldn’t want those chemicals in our environment, so you certainly don’t want them in your body.

Your decomposing form has enough problems, doesn’t it?


Avoid chemically-treated meat.

2) Don’t be a glutton. Respect the food supply.

We have to respect the finite nature of our natural resources. Like brains. And meatbags.

Think before you feast. A pregnant meatbag left alive today means more brains for everyone nine months from now.

Delectable, tender baby brains.

1) When in doubt, eat the guy with the chainsaw first.

That meatbag is burning fossil fuels!

Thanks to Stephen Lindsay for the excerpted image of composting meatbags from Jesus Hates Zombies ftg. Lincoln Hates Werewolves.

Find zombie costumes on Ebay!

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4 comments… add one
  • Savage August 15, 2008, 1:38 pm

    Funny stuff!

  • Cindi August 15, 2008, 4:42 pm

    I guffawed loudly until I got to #2. Then I winced. But good work, overall.

  • nickolai August 15, 2008, 11:13 pm

    Mmmmm. Chemically treated meat. It’s like zombie spam…mmmmmm.

  • Karen MW August 18, 2008, 7:01 am

    Classic funny! Even zombies can do their part.

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