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The Top Five Girliest Vampire Movies

As long as there’s been a Hollywood, there have been otherwise-scary vampire flicks specifically-designed to appeal to the swooning teen girl demographic.

Oh, and as long as there’s been a Hollywood, there have been producers snorting lines of coke off of the asses of high-priced hookers. But that’s a subject for another post. Which would probably mention Joel Silver.

5) Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)

Today, America’s youth communicate in abbreviation-heavy, text-message teen-speak (“OMG, IFOB LULZ @GWS!”1). Which makes Buffy’s slang-filled Valley-Girl-speak from a mere generation ago sound like some Pulitzer-prize-winning shit, doesn’t it?

Move evidence that our civilization has been imploding while you weren’t looking.

4) The Lost Boys (1987)

The original pretty-boy vampires. I can’t tell if they’re going to go start a Flock of Seagulls cover band or go smoke some cigarettes under the bleachers at a high school in a 1908s John Cusack movie.

3) Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

You don’t have to squint too hard for this movie to look a lot like an adaptation of a Jane Austen novel. If they had been serious about making this vampire flick scary, they would have cast Gary Oldman and the big-boned broad from TV’s The Practice as the romantic leads instead of pretty-pretty actors Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.

Plus, Dracula has fancier hairdos than Queen Amidala in the Star Wars prequels. ‘Nuff said.

2) Interview with the Vampire (1994)

Hey, let’s cast the most famous pretty-men in the world and dress them up like dandies. What’s that? A plot? Let’s make them gay 19th-century courtesans. No… wait. Scratch that.

Vampires. Let’s make them vampires.

1) Twilight (2008)

Vampires? Or cover models for Teen Beat.

An entertainment property hasn’t sent girls into a collective frenzy like this since since the band manager of New Kids on the Block figured out the formula for “boy band + suburban shopping mall appearance = batshit crazy teen girls.”

These actors are so distractingly- and unnaturally-pretty that you can almost believe that the future has arrived and CGI has, in fact, replaced real actors.

To which I say: “Wow, it’s amazing what they can do with computers. The hair is so lifelike, but the soulless, empty eyes give the whole thing away.”

HONORABLE MENTION: Vampyros Lesbos (1970)

If by “girly,” you mean “girl-on-girl.”

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7 comments… add one
  • Alex (FirstShowing.net) August 18, 2008, 1:18 am

    Thanks for the mention under Twilight! Although I don’t know if I should be proud of it… In fact, I hate Twilight… with a passion! What am I saying?!

  • Angela August 18, 2008, 9:03 am

    “…in a 1908s John Cusack movie.”

    1908? Was John Cusack singing with Judy Garland while riding a trolley?

  • sir jorge August 18, 2008, 12:50 pm

    i must admit, this one is right, these are girly.

  • nickolai August 18, 2008, 2:18 pm

    What about that crapfest starring the late Aaliyah? I didn’t actually watch it, but surely there was a shortage of testosterone in that one.

  • Nima August 18, 2008, 3:25 pm

    Best vampire movie: “Vampire’s Kiss” starring Nicholas Cage (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098577/)

    The plot makes almost no sense, but it’s Nicholas Cage running around with a pair of fake vampire teeth in his mouth, and doing, like, eight different accents for no apparent reason (they even talk about the failed accent attempts on the DVD commentary).

    A former-coworker introduced me to the film. They guy was such a douchebag.

  • Matt August 19, 2008, 8:06 am

    nickolai, you’re thinking of Queen of the Damned, another adaptation of an Anne Rice novel (along with Interview with a Vampire). I’m a big fan of the first three books of the trilogy, but I just couldn’t bring myself to see this one. Odds are good that it had a decent girlie element.

    I’m wondering where Eddie Murphy’s A Vampire in Brooklyn falls on the scale. I know it’s a Wes Craven flick, but the presence of Angela Bassett doesn’t scream manly.

  • Keoni October 30, 2008, 9:41 am

    Matt, yes Angela Basset’s presence doesn’t scream manly but Eddie Murphy’s presence doesn’t exactly scream vampire.

    I mean first he was a prince of Africa pretending to be poor working for McDowells in Coming To America. Now he is A Vampire in Brooklyn? Then what? Dr. Doolittle?

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