As long as there’s been a Hollywood, there have been otherwise-scary vampire flicks specifically-designed to appeal to the swooning teen girl demographic.
Oh, and as long as there’s been a Hollywood, there have been producers snorting lines of coke off of the asses of high-priced hookers. But that’s a subject for another post. Which would probably mention Joel Silver.
5) Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992)
Today, America’s youth communicate in abbreviation-heavy, text-message teen-speak (“OMG, IFOB LULZ @GWS!”1). Which makes Buffy’s slang-filled Valley-Girl-speak from a mere generation ago sound like some Pulitzer-prize-winning shit, doesn’t it?
Move evidence that our civilization has been imploding while you weren’t looking.
4) The Lost Boys (1987)
The original pretty-boy vampires. I can’t tell if they’re going to go start a Flock of Seagulls cover band or go smoke some cigarettes under the bleachers at a high school in a 1908s John Cusack movie.
3) Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)
You don’t have to squint too hard for this movie to look a lot like an adaptation of a Jane Austen novel. If they had been serious about making this vampire flick scary, they would have cast Gary Oldman and the big-boned broad from TV’s The Practice as the romantic leads instead of pretty-pretty actors Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder.
Plus, Dracula has fancier hairdos than Queen Amidala in the Star Wars prequels. ‘Nuff said.
2) Interview with the Vampire (1994)
Hey, let’s cast the most famous pretty-men in the world and dress them up like dandies. What’s that? A plot? Let’s make them gay 19th-century courtesans. No… wait. Scratch that.
Vampires. Let’s make them vampires.
1) Twilight (2008)
Vampires? Or cover models for Teen Beat.
An entertainment property hasn’t sent girls into a collective frenzy like this since since the band manager of New Kids on the Block figured out the formula for “boy band + suburban shopping mall appearance = batshit crazy teen girls.”
These actors are so distractingly- and unnaturally-pretty that you can almost believe that the future has arrived and CGI has, in fact, replaced real actors.
To which I say: “Wow, it’s amazing what they can do with computers. The hair is so lifelike, but the soulless, empty eyes give the whole thing away.”
HONORABLE MENTION: Vampyros Lesbos (1970)
If by “girly,” you mean “girl-on-girl.”
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