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The Top Five Geek Celebrities You Can Not Believe Are Scientologists

By Great White Snark | August 22, 2008

These are two things that I know:

First, it sucks when someone you count on lets you down. Like when the same dude who gives you gems like Lethal Weapon and The Road Warrior turns out to hate on Jews with the same passion with which he worships at the Temple of Boozehounds.

Yeah. I hate that.

Second, the cult of Scientology is as adept at brainwashing, manipulation, and commission of misery as it is at making money. This much is clear to anyone who has made their permanent residence in a little place called Reality, U.S.A. (Or in its less-popular sister-city, Not Living In Denial, Ukraine.)

The corollary of these two facts is that it sucks when you find out that someone you trust is a Scientologist. I don’t care if it’s someone you trust to babysit your kids, or celebrities you trust to reliably produce innovative music or solidly-entertaining films. Scientologists own a special brand of willful ignorance shared only by religious zealots and by my apartment neighbors who really have no idea how much I hate them for all the early-morning cigarette smoke and late-night dog barking.

But I digress.

That’s why I can never listen to a Beck song the same way again. And why not even the one-two-punch combo of Elisabeth Shue and a little ditty called Oh, I Love You So (I guess, I guess, I guess you know) can redeem Tom Cruise’s Cocktail in my eyes.

5) SKY DAYTON

Dude. What’s the dealio? You’ve got enormous geek cred as the chairman of Helio, one of the most forward-thinking mobile phone companies in terms of technology and features. Geeks check their facts, yo. Even geeks who graduated from boarding schools run by the “Church” of Scientology.

It’s not like you don’t know how to work the internets. You founded Earthlink, one of the largest internet service providers in the world. Spend five minutes on the tubes and enlighten yourself, already. I’ll even give you a little preview of what The Google might spit out from Time magazine’s archives:

Scientology [is] a hugely profitable global racket that survives by intimidating members and critics in a Mafia-like manner.

Does that compute?

4) JASON DOHRING

How dare you, sir. How dare you smear the smelly, oily discharge of Scientology upon the lips of Kristen Bell–who played your character’s girlfriend on Veronica Mars–with your tainted, made-for-TV kisses.

I’d sooner have a child’s ears poisoned by Intelligent Design stories of dinosaurs inventing the wheel three thousand years ago.

3) JASON LEE

Hey, Jason. Hey. Remember when you were just a dude saying funny shit and talking about comic books in Kevin Smith movies?

Yeah. That was awesome.

Sigh.

2) ISAAC HAYES

Let me make sure I understand this, fella. During your almost-ten-year tenure as Chef on South Park, you didn’t have a problem with the storylines that skewered Muslims, Christians, Jews, or Mormons. Hell, you didn’t even mind the story that had aliens giving anal probes to fouth graders.

So what got your panties all in a wad, driving to you leave the show? An episode that factually imparted the story of Scientology that Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, 75 million years ago sent billions of people to Earth in DC-8 airliners only to blow them up with hydrogen bombs, turning the people into soul-leeches that exist even today.

Yeah, you’ve definitely got your priorities straight, there, Shaft.

1) NANCY CARTWRIGHT

Nancy, if I knew how to bake, I’d make you a Cake of Hypocrisy.

No show has lampooned every aspect of pop culture and society as effectively and entertainingly as The Simpsons. And you, my dear, as the voice of Bart Simpson, have played a key role in aforementioned lampooning. By all appearances, you seem to have had no problem accepting a $5 million annual salary for your (c’mon, now) relatively meager efforts.

So what’s this I hear about your allegedly pulling an Isaac Hayes and refusing to say a less-than-flattering line about Scientology in an episode that otherwise parodied every noteworthy cult of our time? Sounds like a nasty case of Can Dish It Out But Can’t Take It. Itis.

But that’s not what solidified your spot at #1. For that I credit your $10 million donation (twice that of Tom Cruise) to Scientology last year.

If you’re going to piss your money away like that, might I recommend an investment in the soon-to-be-announced chain of day care centers that Britney Spears is opening up…

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    13 Responses to “The Top Five Geek Celebrities You Can Not Believe Are Scientologists”

    1. Wavatar Karen Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 7:26 am

      I sure wish I had thought up all that Scientology crap…I’d be making a mint off a bunch of celebrities with brains the size of lentils. Of course it’s never too late…I mean they jump from Kabbala to Scientology to, ummmmmm, Blogology! Yes, I will write a book that will make you feel extra super special, especially if you give me lots and lots of your money. No poor people allowed, as I just can’t take Junior’s college fund to put in a new pool like all those Sunday TV Christians do. You can wear little bits of blue yarn in your hair to signify your allegiance, and I will apply to become a church for tax purposes (not exactly difficult or anything) so your generous overpaid actor donations will be tax deductible! I will communicate to you through channelers that I will hire and send out to you, my people, and once a year we will have a big old bash in Las Vegas where you will happily pay for me to stay in the bestest suite the Venetian can supply, provide me with gambling money, shopping money, money money, and I will address you in a single speech from the bullet-proof paranoia Pope bubble I will borrow from the Vatican. I mean, we’re religious homies and peeps and all. Plus I will write a new book that is essentially gibberish every year, and you will buy it…one for you, one for every friend you have, and one as a gift for each and ever person on your gift list for whatever holiday I choose to make the gift giving one. I, of course, will expect diamond tiaras, couture clothes, money, other expensive jewelry and plenty of adoration at all times.

    2. Wavatar paul Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 8:32 am

      I read a biography of L Ron Hubbard. Holy crap was he a messed up jerk. If people knew the whole story behind the “church” they’d never even consider joining. Then again, they sucker in people who are emotionally not in their right minds so who knows…

    3. Wavatar lovelain Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 10:08 am

      whoa, i was not aware that jason dohring and jason lee were scientologists. creepy. especially jason lee! that’s insane!

    4. Wavatar nickolai Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 10:32 am

      Man, that is disappointing — Bart Simpson? Really? Trolling further through celeb Scientologists…

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Scientologists

      …I find Ernie Reyes Jr.?! Anyone who can wield such tiny Fists of Fury should know better.

    5. Wavatar Cindi Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm

      GWS, I’m a little worried for your safety now. Not that I’m implying anything about Scientologists… I’m just sayin’…

      But it was a great post, and we thank you for risking life and limb to entertain us.

    6. Wavatar Nima Says:
      February 4th, 2008 at 10:06 pm

      Jason Lee? DAMNIT!

    7. Wavatar Great White Snark Says:
      February 5th, 2008 at 12:12 am

      @Karen: Wow, forget Scientology, sounds like you’ve worked some pretty specific plans of your own. Cult on!

      @paul: I know, L. Ron was such a crackpot, and that information is freely available to anyone with two working eyes and an internet connection. Yet these people keep on buying his sci-fi-dime-store-novel garbage and revering him like he was Jesus Christ’s sexier brother.

      @Love, nickolai, Nima: I KNOW! Disappointing, right?

    8. Wavatar Mina Says:
      February 8th, 2008 at 10:03 am

      Jason Lee as a scietologist?! that has to be a joke, after the Mallrats movie. Way to go dude! and I will never sigh at Jason Dohring i the same old way… Veronica Mars has lost a bit of sexiness! If you celebrities have so much money, why don’t you help the needy? Instead they give money to a brainwashing cult!

    9. Wavatar A.Nieves Says:
      February 9th, 2008 at 1:14 pm

      You might want to think about adding Will Smith to the list.

      The guy has been trying to hide (lie about) this fact but his actons say something else. Typical sleezy Scientology behavior.

      http://thebosh.com/archives/2008/01/will_smith_is_a_scientologist.php

    10. Wavatar Shithead Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 5:34 pm

      I don’t think you can really say Isaac Hayes is a scientologist. You can say he was a scientologist.

    11. Wavatar Great White Snark Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 5:46 pm

      That’s what I get for reposting. Inadvertent insensitivity to the deceased.

    12. Wavatar Cindi Says:
      August 22nd, 2008 at 5:48 pm

      Yeah, what’s with the re-posting? Not that I mind enjoying your brilliance over and over, but I did have a disturbing sensation of deja vu for a moment. And then I had it again.

    13. Wavatar Nic Says:
      August 28th, 2008 at 5:12 pm

      Jason Lee?!?
      NO! NO NO NO NO NOOOO!!!!

      I totally just died a little inside. :(

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