These are two things that I know:
First, it sucks when someone you count on lets you down. Like when the same dude who gives you gems like Lethal Weapon and The Road Warrior turns out to hate on Jews with the same passion with which he worships at the Temple of Boozehounds.
Yeah. I hate that.
Second, the cult of Scientology is as adept at brainwashing, manipulation, and commission of misery as it is at making money. This much is clear to anyone who has made their permanent residence in a little place called Reality, U.S.A. (Or in its less-popular sister-city, Not Living In Denial, Ukraine.)
The corollary of these two facts is that it sucks when you find out that someone you trust is a Scientologist. I don’t care if it’s someone you trust to babysit your kids, or celebrities you trust to reliably produce innovative music or solidly-entertaining films. Scientologists own a special brand of willful ignorance shared only by religious zealots and by my apartment neighbors who really have no idea how much I hate them for all the early-morning cigarette smoke and late-night dog barking.
But I digress.
That’s why I can never listen to a Beck song the same way again. And why not even the one-two-punch combo of Elisabeth Shue and a little ditty called Oh, I Love You So (I guess, I guess, I guess you know) can redeem Tom Cruise’s Cocktail in my eyes.
5) SKY DAYTON
Dude. What’s the dealio? You’ve got enormous geek cred as the chairman of Helio, one of the most forward-thinking mobile phone companies in terms of technology and features. Geeks check their facts, yo. Even geeks who graduated from boarding schools run by the “Church” of Scientology.
It’s not like you don’t know how to work the internets. You founded Earthlink, one of the largest internet service providers in the world. Spend five minutes on the tubes and enlighten yourself, already. I’ll even give you a little preview of what The Google might spit out from Time magazine’s archives:
Scientology [is] a hugely profitable global racket that survives by intimidating members and critics in a Mafia-like manner.
Does that compute?
4) JASON DOHRING
How dare you, sir. How dare you smear the smelly, oily discharge of Scientology upon the lips of Kristen Bell–who played your character’s girlfriend on Veronica Mars–with your tainted, made-for-TV kisses.
I’d sooner have a child’s ears poisoned by Intelligent Design stories of dinosaurs inventing the wheel three thousand years ago.
3) JASON LEE
Hey, Jason. Hey. Remember when you were just a dude saying funny shit and talking about comic books in Kevin Smith movies?
Yeah. That was awesome.
2) ISAAC HAYES
Let me make sure I understand this, fella. During your almost-ten-year tenure as Chef on South Park, you didn’t have a problem with the storylines that skewered Muslims, Christians, Jews, or Mormons. Hell, you didn’t even mind the story that had aliens giving anal probes to fouth graders.
So what got your panties all in a wad, driving to you leave the show? An episode that factually imparted the story of Scientology that Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, 75 million years ago sent billions of people to Earth in DC-8 airliners only to blow them up with hydrogen bombs, turning the people into soul-leeches that exist even today.
Yeah, you’ve definitely got your priorities straight, there, Shaft.
1) NANCY CARTWRIGHT
Nancy, if I knew how to bake, I’d make you a Cake of Hypocrisy.
No show has lampooned every aspect of pop culture and society as effectively and entertainingly as The Simpsons. And you, my dear, as the voice of Bart Simpson, have played a key role in aforementioned lampooning. By all appearances, you seem to have had no problem accepting a $5 million annual salary for your (c’mon, now) relatively meager efforts.
So what’s this I hear about your allegedly pulling an Isaac Hayes and refusing to say a less-than-flattering line about Scientology in an episode that otherwise parodied every noteworthy cult of our time? Sounds like a nasty case of Can Dish It Out But Can’t Take It. Itis.
But that’s not what solidified your spot at #1. For that I credit your $10 million donation (twice that of Tom Cruise) to Scientology last year.
If you’re going to piss your money away like that, might I recommend an investment in the soon-to-be-announced chain of day care centers that Britney Spears is opening up…
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