If I learned anything earlier this week researching the anime and other East Asian media behind confusingly-similar cosplay costume themes:

1) I’d rather try to get my own reality show on E! than attempt to follow the back story of most Japanese anime or manga.

Mostly because I limit myself to projects in which I have at least a marginal chance of success. Like blogging. And not dropping my iPhone any more. And making toast.¹

2) Chicks in skimpy costumes seem to make the whole exercise worthwhile.

Just don’t ask them about their character back stories. Unless you’re a master code-breaker and well-versed in the dialect of giggly Japanese schoolgirls.

3) Have you heard some of the names of the Final Fantasy characters? Kellogg’s missed out, yo.

5) Bahamut

Now the authentic taste of fresh Bahamian Island nuts comes to your cereal bowl.

Straight from a packaging assembly line in western Alabama.

4) Malboros

Malboros. When your Mom won’t let you start the day with a cigarette.

It’s what all the cool nine-year-olds are pouring milk over.

3) Moogles

Let your breakfast feed your imagination! Find the marshmallowy Moogles before they spot Jerry Botter and the other magicians of the Pogwarts Academy.

2) Chocobos

These O’s are chock-full o’ chocolate!

Seriously. Chocolate for breakfast. You know you want this, kid. This is why God made tantrums. So get going.

1) Tonberries

Tonberries? Seriously? A name couldn’t have been more misappropriated unless the Final Fantasy overlords had named this little green guy Count Chocula.

Which, really, would have made him seem at least 9% more fearsome than “Tonberry.” When I think of “Tonberry,” I think of dumpy, slow-witted, Shrek-like ogre who gets into misadventures with his forest animal friends named Sir Didymus and Toonces.

And gets ridiculed by the more sophisticated ogres. For having a name like a breakfast cereal.

¹P.S. I am ambitious.

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