I don’t know what’s more silly: the ridiculous level of abuse that the characters on Smallville suffer on a consistent basis, or the nutso amount of time that I spent scouring every episode of Smallville for all of the instances of those abuses so I could edit together these videos.
Yeah. It’s me. I’m the silly one. I know.
Season one of Smallville found Lana Lang wrapped in a human cocoon, choked-out by a krypto-freak, buried alive, careening a pick-up truck off the road into a ditch (twice), thrown by a horse, falling off a water tower, and being tossed through the air by a huge explosion.
You know… basically your average Tuesday afternoon in Smallville. Humdrum, practically. It’s not like a parasitic robot from another planet stuck a spike into her brain or anything. (‘Cause the producers were saving that gem for season seven.)
Lana’s abuse gets all themed-up on us in season two. See if you can spot the motif: she gets tossed around by a tornado, shoved against a gravestone (and knocked out), thrown into a pillar (and knocked out), swung against a shelf, and pushed off of a tall bridge.
Get it? Lana’s getting flung around like a ragdoll. A ragdoll with an unnatural resistance to concussions.
In season three, it gets tough not to suspect a little resentment towards Lana Lang coming from the writer’s room on the Smallville lot. She gets choked underwater, choked in a trunk, stuck in the neck with a syringe, chloroformed, thrown into pillar, thrown into chainlink fence, kidkey punched, super-slapped across a room, and poison-gassed.
Hell, even Lana’s loved ones turn on her. Chloe pounds on her, her boyfriend kicks her in the gut, and her horse stomps the crap out of her.
At least her beloved Clark hasn’t added insults to those injuries. But this is Smallville… just give it time!
Sure, season four finds Lana zapped by a mystical etching, having a heavy mirror fall on her and shatter, suffocated by shower curtain, electrocuted, frozen by a krypto-freak, and even getting caught in a helicopter crash. It’s enough to make a girl induce fainting via a spontaneous screaming episode. (Which she also did.)
But, really… isn’t the worst part that she gets beaten up by her boyfriend’s mom, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman?
Why should humans have all the fun beating on Lana? Season five has her thrown across a room by a Kryptonian, backhanded by a krypto-freak, attacked by vampires, strangled by an alien (namely, Clark Kent), beat up by a park ranger, t-boned by a school bus, having a head-on car collision with a cyborg, and getting punched the hell out.
In just the first episode of season six, Zod jams a rod through Lana’s hand, super-backhands her across a room, and strangles her into unconsciousness. Makes you wonder where she found the resolve to find the rest of what faced her in this season: assaults, falling chandeliers, fainting spells, falling down stairs, falling through skylights, and, oh… getting shot.
This was my favorite season, for her facial expressions, alone. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not accusing her of actually emoting or anything. It’s just… funny faces. You’ll see what I mean.
Ah, yes. What season seven lacks in quantity, it very-well makes up for with quality. Falling off a building, anyone? Or perhaps a little getting super-thrown into a steel-mesh cage action? No? That doesn’t do it for you? I’ve got just the trick then: a brain-skewering from everyone’s favorite mandroid, Brainiac.
Enjoy this post? Subscribe to Great White Snark by – or by RSS.