By Great White Snark | August 20, 2009
As I collected material for this post, it came dangerously close to becoming a “Top Five Awesome Monkey Island Tattoos” piece. Because, as many people do, I fondly recall the clunky PC-based games of the 1990s through the Rose-Colored Glasses of Blurry Hindsight. To me, an 8-bit Pirate LeChuck tattoo screams “originality and panache.”
But then I asked myself: has anyone ever gotten laid thanks to a Monkey Island tattoo? Not unless “Guybrush Threepwood” means “I have lots of money and stamina, and I want to spend them both extravagantly on you” in French or something.
5) Guybrush Threepwood Tattoo = Better than an Estrogen Patch
Well, what a well-executed tattoo in a perfectly good likeness of Guybrush Threepwood… a cartoon man who looks a lot like a lady.
Subtract ten masculinity points, do not pass “Go.”
4) Murray the Evil Talking Skull Tattoo Looking a Bit Peaked
This Murray the Evil Talking Skull tattoo violates some pretty basic rules of tattooing. For example, every skull tattoo requires a backdrop of either flames or crossbones.
Oh, and also? Don’t give your skull tattoo gangrene.
3) Ghost Pirate LeChuck Tattoo Needs a Special Home
Excellent tattoo, but the dude attached to this appendage is going to need a placement agency to find him a gang that favors murderous video game ghost pirates. Not sure what else you can do with ink like this.
You know… aside from being the toughest-looking nerd at a get-together of really-not-tough-looking nerdy-types with a horrible sense of social mores.
2) Navigator Head Not Looking Any Healthier as a Tattoo
Sally can’t wait to tell her Mom all about her new beau and his tattoo of a roughly-decapitated, shriveled head with an eyeball necklace. Even more so? She can’t wait to see that tattoo whenever she and her fella are trying to get in the mood. Aces!
1) In Spite of the Slogan, this Guy Doesn’t Look Like a Somalian
Oh, really? Pretty committed to the pirate’s life, are you?
Peg leg? Parrot? Scurvy? I assume you’ll be sticking with “unkempt hair, poor judgment, and reeking of grog” for now.