You’re welcome. This nerd/dork/geek/dweeb Venn diagram should save you a lot of time and frustration in the future.

To those of you who have been called “dweebs,” I say:

Stop hanging out with people from the 1950s.

Via Matthew at Sed Contra, who will see you at the intersection of Blogging and Things that Have Latin Names.

Find vintage geek glasses on Ebay

Which, coincidentally, is the world record for the amount of time it has taken one man to guarantee a lifetime of cold, penis-atrophying celibacy.**

Via SciFi Wire, who knows how to talk dirty in Klingon.

* I could provide you with a link to the complete, chronological list of original Star Trek episodes, but I have more respect for you than that.

** Bet you didn’t know that penises could atrophy.

Find Star Trek costumes on Ebay

Enjoy this post? Subscribe to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

But Lucasfilm’s antics also extend to the legal realm. Inspired by last week’s news of a lawsuit brought against Star Wars prop designer Andrew Ainsworth for selling supposedly-unlicensed Stormtrooper costumes, I uncovered five of my favorite ridiculous lawsuits involving Lucasfilm.

5) Trademark dispute with Digg.com

Ok, I can get behind Lucasfilm protecting itself against blatant rip-off artists, but… getting into a trademark dispute with social news Web site Digg over a computer game released in 1995 called “The Dig“?

Calling that a bit of a stretch would be like saying Paula Abdul probably doesn’t quite have the biggest brain in the world.

(Lucas dropped its “notice of opposition” after an out-of-court settlement.)

4) Lawsuit over X-rated anime movie Starballz

Starballz is a pornographic cartoon movie that parodies films including The Full Monty, Die Hard, The Matrix, The Silence of the Lambs and Titanic. Think of it as the Scary Movie of the cartoon porn world. (I know… quite a distinction.)

As indicated in the lawsuit, Lucasfilm thought that consumers could be confused into thinking that Lucasfilm sponsored or produced the X-rated film. Right. Heh.

The producers of Starballz thought that was pretty funny, too. They filed a $140 million countersuit.

3) Copyright lawsuit against copyright crusader Dr. Dre

Dr. Dre made quite a stink over mother-effin’ Napter users stealing his mother-effin’ music. Bitch.

Oh, delicious irony when Lucasfilm sued the good doctor for copyright infringement of their THX “Deep Note” in one of his songs. It’s almost like MSNBC suing Ann Coulter for being too damn liberal.

2) Lawsuit over President Reagan’s “Star Wars” Strategic Defense Initiative

“Hey, Government? It’s me, George Lucas. Yeah, with the beard. Anyway. I’m calling to let you know I’m filing a lawsuit against you for, um… let’s call it a bazzillion dollars.”

Ok, he didn’t actually sue the goverment. He sued two ad agencies running political TV ads referring to the “Star Wars” program. A judge decided against him, ruling “that ‘Star Wars’ had entered the public lexicon and could be used for social criticism.”

Which means that when I launch my political career, I’ll be well within my rights to create campaign materials stating that my opponent “has a track record way more stupid than that fourth Star Wars movie. Totally.”

1) Star Wars blatantly rips off Universal’s Silent Running. Universal’s Battlestar Galactica overtly steals from Star Wars. No one acknowledges that every sci-fi movie is a variant of other sci-fi movies.  Lawsuits are filed.

Source: Startoons

George Lucas meets with Douglas Trumbull, the director and special effects chief on 1972′s Silent Running, and is all, “Hey, I like those two-footed robots you’ve got, there.” Four years later, the world gets R2-D2 and other biped ‘bots in Star Wars. Universal Studios is all, “Hey, no stealies!” And sues 20th Century Fox.

Then, upon the release of Star Wars knockoff(ish) Battlestar Galactica in 1978, 20th Century Fox is all, “Oh, yeah?” And countersues. All involved parties realize that this game can go on forever (Universal cites copyrighted material in the 1930s Buck Rogers serials) and subsequently throw up their hands in resignation and go home. The end.

Find George Lucas action figures on Ebay

No explanation was offered for his bug-eyed antics and often laborious, meandering tangents, but many chalked up the episode to the influence of powerful cold medication.

I mean, I assume it was cold medication. It sure wasn’t a bad dose of Propecia making him behave so strangely. If you know what I’m sayin’.

3) In response to a question about his favorite movies among the work he’s done:

I think Gods and Monsters was an important movie.

Fair enough. I mean, “important” is a bit pretentious, but I don’t want to jump to any conclusions about how misguidedly-enormous your ego might be…

I also think The Quiet American was an important movie.

Ok. Yeah. Methinks you should consider switching up your medication to a dose of humility filled with Airheads, laced with Bedazzled, and washed down with some Dudley Do-Right. Ok, Encino Man? Christ.

But those two gems were just a warm-up for the main event of What the hell is he talking about?

(E-mail subscribers and RSS readers, visit the post to view the video.)

That’s right: Fraser’s cold has swelled his head to a point where he thinks that George of the Jungle is an honest-to-Jesus pop culture phenomenon. Sure. Right up there with the Flowbee.

2) Here’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say:

I publicly apologize for Monkeybone.

Reasonable… unless you immediately follow it with this:

(E-mail subscribers and RSS readers, visit the post to see the video.)

Creepiest. Cackle. Ever.

In case you were wondering… no, no one else got the, uh… joke. I think it’s fair to say everyone in attendance was too preoccupied with their concern over his mental health.

1) In response to an audience member asking for advice for aspiring actors:

When I asked for that same advice when I was in training in Seattle, I asked the same question. I got a one word answer. Well… two. Well… three: ‘Have courage.’

Ha! Thank you, Brendan Fraser, talented elocutionist and ninja mathematician.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

Y The Last Man

No, this list doesn’t include the global-warming-inspired ‘apocalypse by ice age’ (a la The Day After Tomorrow), because I’m already giving writer/direct Roland Emmerich credit for Independence Day, and any credit is practically too much credit for that dude.

5) ALIEN TAKEOVER

As seen in: Independence Day

As long as our alien overlords allow us to continue enjoying Lost and Friday Night Lights in high definition, then I think I can find a way to adjust.

In fact, if the aliens could figure out a way to pipe 24×7 quality, HD programming into our homes, they’d have a pretty easy time of subjugating our race.

4) MACHINE TAKEOVER

As seen in: Terminator, Maximum Overdrive

When was the last time you changed the oil in your car? Or cleaned out the inside of your refidgerator? Or said, “Thank you spewing all that money at me,” to an ATM?

Yeah, the machines can’t wait to kill you.

3) VIRAL EPIDEMIC

As seen in: 12 Monkeys, I Am Legend

When I think back to the nasty case of mono I got my senior year of high school, I become more and more convinced that patient zero for any deadly viral outbreaks in the future will be a member of a high school drill team.

You don’t know where those girls have been.

2) ZOMBIE OUTBREAK

As seen in: Every single George Romero flick, 28 Days Later, World War Z, The Walking Dead

The upside of a zombie apocalypse is that you finally have an excuse to take a shovel to Paris Hilton’s head after she’s turned.

Or before. Whatever. Bonk!

1) PLAGUE THAT KILLS ONLY MEN

As seen in: Y The Last Man

Imagine if you were the only man left on a planet of women. And it was left to you to repopulate the human race. With your penis, the biggest one left one earth. And millions of women, desperate for sexual contact, turned to steamy, lesbian love.

Yeah. Imagine that.

Now excuse me while I take a few minutes to reflect on that… nightmare.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

Around 1990, you could spend an even U.S. dollar picking up an issue of The Uncanny X-Men. And on the cover, in small print, you’d see that those poor Canadian bastards had to pay $1.25 for the same privilege.

Ha, ha. Suckers.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, on more than one occasion. “What a lame country. Their dollar isn’t even as good as ours. I wonder what they do all day in that snowy, frozen landscape when they’re not being too poor to afford comic books. I wonder if they even know what cable TV is.”

And so began my confident dismissal of Canada’s relevance. Even when Canadian comedians like Jim Carrey and Mike Myers and bombshells Jenny McCarthy and Pamela Anderson collectively mugged their way to stardom, I thought we were doing them a huge favor by allowing them to peddle their wares in a country that could actually afford to pay for them. Remember, they probably hadn’t realized the full potential of television in that country like we had.

I probably should have recognized the warning signs, then. Even when I traveled in Europe during high school and got introduced to the phenomenon of Americans attaching Canadian flags to their backpacks so that they’d be received more kindly by the natives, I thought, “Well, sure. No one’s threatened by a Canadian. They’re just so harmless. Why do you think they’re so polite? It’s because they’re so afraid of countries like America. They’re probably afraid we’ll take away all the good jobs from Canadian entertainers. Or that we’ll stop exporting all those awesome American goods that they couldn’t conceive of making for themselves. Like comic books. God. Pussies.”

I still didn’t see the larger picture. Even after I found out that Canadians have free, socialized health care. And cheap drugs. And a lower rate of crime and gun violence.

“Simpletons,” I thought. “They’re just not sophisticated enough to make things as complicated and as difficult as we do.”

But I get it now. Canada is the slow-but-sure tortoise, and we’re the egotistical, lame-brained hare. While our glorious leaders are busy talking shit and then getting us buried in more of the same, Canada is further cementing its position as a perfectly sensible society that makes ours look like a daycare center full of frantically drunk five-year-olds.

You know what finally drilled it home for me? Canadians don’t have to pay more for our comic books any more. Last month the Canadian dollar reached parity with the U.S. dollar.

And if another one of those Republican jokers somehow manages to become our next President, I hope the Canadians will forgive me… and consider giving me citizenship. Please.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

NASA seems to think differently. (About space. Not about me.) On October 23, space shuttle Discovery will “honor” Luke Skywalker’s original Jedi lightsaber film prop from Return of the Jedi by carrying it into orbit. I appreciate the sentiment, but honor the damn thing in a museum, not in the metaphorical equivalent of a redneck rocket scientist’s front yard.

(Photo: Bonnie Burton/LFL)

The fact is, the space beyond our atmosphere is the World’s Garbage Dump. (Which, yes, makes the International Space Station the junkyard’s front office.)

From Wired:

Some 15,000 pieces of debris, ranging from fingernail-sized paint flecks to 10-ton rocket stages, are hurtling through Earth’s orbit at 5 miles per second — about 10 times as fast as a speeding bullet. And the junk is multiplying, Asteroids-like, as large objects break apart into smaller ones. Scientists warn of an approaching Kessler syndrome: the point at which flotsam from collisions makes future space ventures dangerous.

Great. So, in the not-too-distant future, chartering a ride on Virgin Galactic will have the added excitement of a dangerous game of real-life Frogger, where one wrong turn means getting splattered by a 10-ton piece of discarded rocketry.

So… do you consider a trip to the junkyard to be an honor? What we should really be doing is spitefully sending the stuff we disdain into space. Like Britney Spears’ family tree.

The T-1000 arm fragment from Terminator 2

Picture that image from the Transformers animated movie of Unicron’s scuttled, decapitated robot head, orbiting earth.

What better way to say, “Beware, don’t let this happen to your invading alien robot army!” than with the parts of destroyed, evil robots floating in space? I’m just thinking ahead.

Batman’s Costume from Batman and Robin

Let’s pretend that codpiece never happened, shall we? If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist… If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist…

The creative geniuses behind TV’s Moonlight

While we’re at it, let’s gather up the creators of Cop Rock, Cavemen, Stacked, and that Urkel show so that they can never again corrupt America’s youth with their shoddy, ill-conceived wares.

Plus, then there’d be more coke and heroin available for all the other junkies who might want it.

Pokemon

“What part of Pokemon? The cartoon? The game? The adorable plush toys?”

Like I said: Pokemon. All of it. I want to launch an entire entertainment media property into space. Everyone wins.

Jar Jar Binks

I met someone from Lucasfilm a couple of weeks ago who told me that everyone… everyone who saw the early script of Phantom Menace thought that Jar Jar Binks was an awful idea. Everyone except George Lucas. Unbelievable.

The only reason I’m not suggesting that we stick George in the next space shuttle launch is that he has a chance to (somewhat) redeem himself with Indiana Jones 4: The one with the lame title I refuse to say.

The Gobots

It’s like the Highlander says (in every sequel, ironically), “There can be only one.” See ya, Transformers poseurs.

Bad Fan Fiction

Bad fan fiction is even more insulting than that 117th “sanctioned and official” book based on the Star Wars canon. If it ain’t yours, don’t muck with it. Witness this abuse of beloved Lord of the Rings characters:

Legolas got up and went into Laura’s room and said”good moring”and then Laura said “good moring too”.Then Legolas said”whats a matter”and then Laura said”Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse”.Then Legolas said”Ok”and then Legolas said”first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson”.Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said”Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister”and then Gandalf said”I did not know aswell”.Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said”I’ll get her for you sir”and then the Dark lord said”yes you can”.

Ok, I admit it has some entertainment value. But, still.

Suggestions? What would you stuff in a rocket ship destined for a place in the junk-filled stars?

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

What drew my attention, this time? I just saw an announcement for the second annual Furries vs. Klingon bowling tournament to be held this Saturday in Atlanta.

Jesus Jackrabbit, the nerd quotient couldn’t get any higher in that bowling alley if they invited a group of D&D dungeon masters to keep score. I haven’t felt this squeamish about a match-up between lamentable characters since the Tri-Lambs took on the Alpha Betas in the Adams College homecoming carnival in Revenge of the Nerds.

Now, I’m a big fan of the Nerd Nation. Sure, I occasionally tease them. In fact, Trekker nerds that dress up like Klingons are a great example. But I tease ’cause I love. (Just ask my little brother… once he gets rid of that annoying trembling habit.) As I’ve said before, nerds create so many wondrous things that we geeks enjoy reading about on Digg.

But that’s the difference between nerds and run-of-the-mill weirdos. They both attract scorn for their unconventional ways, but nerds bring a lot of creativity and ingenuity to the world. Weirdos just run around doing, well… weird stuff. And those are the folks I tease purely because it’s so-very-often funny.

(So, I lash out at what I don’t understand. Sue me for being so small-minded. Won’t make you any less of a dorkotron, though, Dorkotron.)

Why do you have to have to handle that teasing so very, very poorly, Furries? (And, yes, I realize that it’s only been the couple of Furries who have visited this blog who have demonstrated such entertainingly unnerving reactions, but I’m generalizing that definitively nutty behavior, now. Because, as we all learn as we get older, generalizations are always either 1) true or 2) funny, so it’s win-win.)

It’s insulting to me that you act like you’re persecuted. People born with a certain lineage, skin color, handicap, or sexual preference… those are people that have been and are unfairly persecuted. You weren’t born with a dress-up-like-a-pink-bunny-rabbit gene any more than I was born with a gene that makes me giggle like a giddy little schoolgirl during repeats of Veronica Mars. I do it because I’ve just grown into that sort of dork, and my friends are entirely justified for giving me shit about it.

Ah, yes, but groups of people are also persecuted for their religious beliefs as well, aren’t they? Perhaps that’s why you’re so eager to bring Christ Allrighty into it… you want to make some convoluted attempt to tie Furry fandom to your religious practice. I’ll let you in on a little secret: nothing screams, “I’m coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, so automatically dismiss everything I have to say,” louder than a religious fanatic operating under a name like “Major Feathers.”

Don’t you know that the bestest, most rational, and adult way to handle teasing is take ownership of your weirdness, rather than try to defend it? The underlying message when you take that approach is that whatever weird thing you’re doing doesn’t need to be defended… it’s just another sliver of the spectrum of the human condition. You’ve accepted yourself, and that’s all that matters.

So, the best response by a member of the Furry Frolickers is not:

To say that God does not care that much about how we dress ourselves is pretty inaccurate. God proclaims the human body as the Temple of Christ, so YES, God does care VERY MUCH about what we choose to wear on Christ’s Temple. Do you think God looks kindly on people wearing T-Shirts that say “God Sucks”?! Also the “motive” of why some people dress up as animals is vitally important. If someone dresses up as a fox to worship some sort of “animal-god”(violation of the 1st Commandment), or in protest to God because supposedly God mistakenly made someone a human instead of a dragon(saying the Creator of the Universe is faulty), or to fulfill a crazy fantasy of inter-species fornication(GROSS!), it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that person is causing God unnecessary anguish. It’s NOT “just a joke” when well-meaning performers get placed in a nasty category and ruins everything positive we’re trying to do in the community. [...] Would YOU be able to “get over it and move on” so easily if I told all the media you were an Al-Quida terrorist planting bombs all over the Bay area? I thought not. Maybe that example is a little extreme but the principle is the same.

With comments like that (taken directly from my post about the costume contest at Super-Con), it’s a wonder the Furries have a PR problem.

The best response is, “Heh, yeah, I guess it’s a bit silly that I like to dress up like a giant stuffed animal, but, hey… all I know is that it floats my boat. To each their own, right?”

And then skip away in your costume, twirling an umbrella, and whistling the tune to The Andy Griffith Show.

UPDATE:

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.

But this week, the USPS has entered the business of not selling very many stamps at all, as evidenced by its approval of sets “saluting” the 20th anniversary of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

These work just as well as a “KICK ME” sign if you stick them to someone’s back.

At least the USPS and (gasp, exclusive!) distributor, Creative Entertainment, had the good sense to realize that only a very small sect of the entire nerd kingdom would care to spend money on postage bearing the likeness of Geordi LaForge. Hence, the limited run of 500 sets.

And they correctly figured that those very few hard-core Trekkers would be willing to hand over hefty portions of their System Administrator paychecks for the privilege of ownership. I mean, behold the whopping current bid of $129 on Ebay. I’m sure the price will skyrocket to at least $150 as bidding comes down to the wire. (Must be nice to run a government institution that doesn’t have to concern itself with positive return-on-investment.)

If I’m wrong, and the sets go for anywhere north of $200, then you Trekker nerds are lamer than I thought. Spend less money on Picard costumes and more money on haircuts and soap.

Note: Please don’t take this as a slight, USPS. You know I love you and your delightful mail delivery services and your not killing of me in a murderous rampage.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS.