I now present to you a better version of reality:

Via Geekologie, who wants to see the bestest version of reality, where the lasers are fired by cyborg ninja strippers. From space.

Find lightsaber laser pointers on ThinkGeek

Via Reddit, who once trapped an errant Kryptonian using only idle dinner party conversation.

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You’d find the Mac OS at the intersection of “intelligence” and “obsession,” Linux at the intersection of “intelligence” and “social ineptitude,” and Windows at “obsession” and “social ineptitude.”

Ok, so that Windows analogy didn’t really didn’t work so well, but you get my underlying point: Linux is for nerds.

Via Reddit, who lost its wallet at the intersection of clumsy and drunk.

Find Linux Penguin toys and accessories on Ebay

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Because your sense of romance* is dead, that’s why.

Via Instructables, which is “how-to”-ing its way into eventual servitude to robot overlords.

* and appreciation for run-on sentences

Find Battlestar Galactica posters on Amazon

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It’s not often a geek can out-badass the neighborhood’s Johnny Power Tool, so cheers to Nick.

Via Gizmodo, who knows never to bring a knife to a flamethrower fight.

Find robot dragons on Ebay

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Sure it is, you rube.

Now that astronauts have added the last major component to the International Space Station, including a cupola that looks just like a Tie Fighter’s cockpit window, there can no longer be any question.

The Tranquility module is the last major component to be added to the International Space Station.  Attached to Tranquility is a cupola with six windows around its sides and another in the center.  NASA says this “room with a view” will provide panoramic scenes of Earth and objects in space.

Photo Source:  Reddit

Yeah, a panoramic view of conquerable worlds.

Whatever. I, for one, welcome our Imperial overlords. An invasion from space would take my mind off this whole global warming thing.

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Ok, first, sir, you’ve met me on the floor of a comic book convention. You can be damn sure I know the Thundercats. No need to clarify by listing the names of some of the principal characters. That’s like being in Las Vegas and asking a sweaty, mustachioed guy in a trench coat for directions to the AVN (Adult Video Network) Awards, and then saying, “You know, Jenna Jameson?” Uh, yeah, that guy knows.

Second, Mr. of Corey Feldman–if that is your real last name–what is the entry fee, exactly, for the privilege of counting yourself amongst the posse of a has-been, self-important, deluded C-list actor? Because I’ve got $36 burning a hole in my pocket and I hear Casper Van Dien might be in the market for a new BFF.

“Wait,” you say, “I know Feldman’s a has-been, but… deluded? Now you’re just being a Meanie Meanerson, GWS.”

“Nay!” I respond. Because I occasionally speak like a medieval English dandy. Corey Feldman is the same guy who says:

I like to do something that’s a challenge for me as an actor. Being in business as long as I have, you want to make sure that you’re constantly challenging yourself and setting obstacles and I think this certainly was one of those…

…regarding the straight-to-video exercise in pillaging pop culture treasures from the 1980s, Lost Boys: The Tribe. The same dude who refers to his work in Bikini Bandits and The Toxic Avenger IV as his “craft.”

At which point, I conclude with, “Guffaw.”

Makes you wonder how a character like this operates. What conversations and thoughts does he have? What would he Twitter?

By the by, if you’re unfamiliar with Twitter, it’s a service that allows you to publicly notify your friends and contacts of your daily activities and thoughts in quick, 140-character-or-less updates from your phone or computer. Which is ridiculous in theory, but addictive in practice.

1. @JoelSilver Have a chance to watch that Lost Boys 2 DVD I sent over? It’s gold, man. Gold.
2. @GaryColeman coming over to help me work on my craft
3. Saw G. Clooney downtown today. He told me to stop wearing dark sunglasses indoors b/c it makes me look like a “douche.” I WAS IN GOONIES!
4. Total b.s. My band Truth Movement booed off stage last night. That’s the last time we play Waffle House.
5. If I weren’t successful, would my wife’s breasts be so big? No. And everybody knows it, because we’re on TV. Life is sweet.
6. @JoelSilver Having tough time reaching you. Called 3 times today. Your assistant: “He’s out to lunch.” At 9, 2 and 7p? Call me, dude!
7. Just saw my ex Vanessa Marcil on an ep of Las Vegas on NBC. Looks good. Wonder if she regrets giving all this up. I WAS IN STAND BY ME!
8. @haim That’s the last time I clean your vomit out of the pool. It smells like crack, stomach acid, and hair dye.
9. @Guido Gather up the posse. We’re hitting a sci-fi convention in Tuscon.
10. @JoelSilver Seriously, though, dude. Lost Boys 3. Let’s make it happen. I’m available. Any time.

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By all appearances, many of the largely-male crowd at Comic-Con have rarely ventured into the sunlight, let alone into the undergarments of a moderately-attractive woman. You’d think that a professionally-sexy Hollywood actress would garner some attention. At least some random howls of hormonal anguish. But the closest you’ll get to hearing a sound like that at SDCC is standing near the Mattel booth when they announce that the limited-edition Cobra Commander figures have sold out.

No, fanboys would much rather lavish their awkwardly adulating attention upon famous dudes who tell cock jokes or blow shit up.

5) Naomie Harris from Ninja Assassin

Not even pretending to be interested to be there. Not that anyone noticed.

Ignored in favor of: Korean pop star, Rain

What a waste of attention. This dude couldn’t speak enough English to talk his way out of a phone booth. The Q&A session went a lot like this:

Exuberant fan #1: “Hey, Rain, you’re awesome. You’re totally awesome. Now that you’ve done an action movie, are you going to move on to something like comedy? I love you. You’re awesome.”

Rain: “I work very hard on this movie. Very good. Everyone… give your money… see it.”

Exuberant fan #2: “Rain, you’re so cute. What do you like about American girls?”

Rain: “I work very hard on this movie. Very good. Everyone… give your money… see it.”

4) Jaime King from Sin City

“Um, are these nerds going to talk to me, or what?”

Ignored in favor of: Samuel L. Jackson

You could actually hear the erections growing when Sam Jackson started talking about his collection of action figures of himself. The crowd laughed and clapped like delighted toddlers when he described fights he’d stage between the Mace Windu and Shaft figures on his desk.

3) Natalie Martinez from Death Race

This is the face of someone whose soul has just died just a little.

Ignored in favor of: Jason Statham

During the Q&A, a fanboy actually led the audience of 5,000+ people in singing an enthusiastic round of “Happy Birthday” to the British action star. Which I’m sure was a bit disconcerting to Statham, since his screaming groupies usually have vaginas.

2) Carla Gugino from Race to Witch Mountain

Carla consistently had trouble keeping her ‘smile’ from looking like a Pursed-Lipped Smirk of Ultimate Disdain.

Ignored in favor of: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Apparently showing your glorious breasts for a solid 30-seconds in Sin City doesn’t measure up against starring in the live-action adaptation of Doom.

1) Amber Heard from Pineapple Express

“Can you believe I teased my hair for this?”

Ignored in favor of: Seth Rogen and James Franco

At Comic-Con, pairing up a nerd who Made It Big and a dude who co-starred in Spider-Man is like playing Guitar Hero on the hardest setting with a blindfold on and peanut butter on your fingers. That shit just can’t be beat.

Not at all ignored: Traci Lords and Katie Morgan of Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Yeah, put a couple of porn stars on stage, and suddenly you have the crowd’s attention. Shocking.

Am I wrong when I guess you’ve suddenly got a mental picture of a sweaty, pantless comic book nerd sitting in his dark basement in front of the glow of a computer screen?

No? You weren’t at all thinking about that until I mentioned it? Yikes. My bad.

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Me: “Hey, could I get your picture?” Girl #1: “Sure, should we, like, hang ourselves on you or something?” Me: “No, standing over there will be just fine.”

Her: “Do you want the front or the back.” Me: “I’m trying to remember the last time someone asked me that.” Her, after a few seconds of reflection: “Oh… ha!”

Bondage fairy. No shit.

Creepy contest: Geriatric Superman vs. Evil Vampire Elf(?).

The second guy I’ve ever met who enjoyed Orgazmo.

Bizarro Star Wars: Vader with a beer belly and Annakin Skywalker with a vagina.

This girl knows that guns and boobs sell tickets. I just don’t what show I’m seeing.

Go ahead and die if you’d like, Pikachu. I won’t mind. Adorable, yellow bastard.

This broad got visibly pissed when I didn’t know she was dressed up as a Final Fantasy character. Only at Comic-Con, people.

I actually asked this guy dressed as Green Arrow how long it took to grow his beard out for the costume. Not realizing it was fake. Because I’m an idiot.

Tell me that doesn’t look like Avery Brooks. And, no, not all black people look alike to me. But all Canadians do sound alike, and I’m standing by that.

Man, this guy handing out fliers for Starship Troopers 3 is acting the shit out of this role. Watch your back, Casper Van Dien!

i’m sorry, what video game are you promoting, again? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your hypnotic boob domes.

Two options when you have red hair and boobs at Comic-Con: Jean Grey or Starfire.

She stared straight into my soul. And then tickled it with an electric cattle prod.

The only seven-foot-tall endomorphic Ghost Rider you’ll ever see. Guaranteed.

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(Because, as all film-school geeks know: when in doubt, round out your résumé with a low-budget Web-based musical about a wannabe supervillain.)

That’s a pretty full plate of creative demands. Which has got to make you wonder, what does this dude think about when he’s not making show tunes almost-ok for straight dudes to enjoy? What would he Twitter?

By the by, if you’re unfamiliar with Twitter, it’s a service that allows you to publicly notify your friends and contacts of your daily activities and thoughts in quick, 140-character-or-less updates from your phone or computer. Which is ridiculous in theory, but addictive in practice.

1. Moving ahead quickly on my latest script. Thank goodness for lesbians, the best answer to writer’s block.
2. @NathanFillion: When you were drunk at the Serenity wrap party, you signed a lifetime contract to appear in all of my work. Just FYI.
3. Fox wants me to pitch my show to the trades. Too lazy. Told them to copy-and-paste the standard “band of lovable misfits” bit.
4. How do I write women so well? A night of “What Not to Wear” on TV and a couple of Appletinis before sitting down to the typewriter. Bliss.
5. Brainstorm! New premise: Old West meets deep sea ocean exploration in the future. And everyone curses in Russian.
6. My perfect woman: the grace of @SummerGlau, the passion of @ElizaDushku, and the sparkling eyes of @NathanFillion.
7. Just saw Cloverfield. Could have used a few musical numbers to liven it up.
8. Stylist out of town. Frustrated. This hair doesn’t dishevel itself!
9. @SMG Really? Scooby-Doo and Harvard Man, but no Buffy movie? Really?
10. Had same nightmare again. People almost discover Serenity and Alien 4 are the same film. Forced to distract them with more lesbians.

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