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How Five Presidential Candidates Would Handle a Looming Zombie Threat

Thus far, the presidential candidates (and one ex-candidate) haven’t been particularly forthcoming with their platforms on the whole zombie issue. So what are we discerning voters to do?

Here’s an idea: how about we directly equate the candidates’ quoted positions on Iran to their unspoken positions on the zombie threat.

Zombie Protester

I mean, that’s a fair and scientific approach to getting some real insights on this critical issue, right? Yeah. Totally.


Barack Obama

I have said consistently that we should have direct talks with zombies without preconditions but not without preparation,” Obama said. “Any time we initiate talks … it is going to proceed in a step-by-step fashion with lower-level diplomats meeting and maybe … discussions of noncontroversial topics, which over time lead to more substantial discussions.” Source

Barry, I do appreciate and respect your way with words. But zombies aren’t exactly the “talking” type. They skip right to the “step” that involves rending human flesh with their teeth. And, believe me, their palates are colorblind. (I suppose they’re quite egalitarian that way.)

May Yahweh have mercy on my soul for quoting a Toby Keith song1, but you need a little less talk and a lot more action, B.


Hillary Clinton

I want the zombies to know that if I’m the president, we will attack zombies. In the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack […] we would be able to totally obliterate them. Source

Obliterate? As in… with nuclear weapons? Geez. Listen, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but the worst thing to do during a zombie attack is panic and overreact. Have you even considered the collateral damage? Your carelessly-formulated plan borders on stupidity.

I know… “stupid” is a strong word. So if I’ve offended you, Hil, perhaps you can go have yourself a good cry. Again. The voters like that, after all.


John McCain

Arizona Sen. John McCain was asked if there is a plan to attack zombies. McCain began his answer by changing the words to a classic Beach Boys’ song.

“You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Zombies?” the Republican presidential candidate said. Then, he sang. “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb zombies.” Source

McCain, you jingoistic sonuvabitch, I never thought I’d be so reassured by your unnerving enthusiasm for getting our country into armed conflicts. Bomb them, indeed, sir. Bomb them all to Hell.


Ron Paul

Paul said Israel is safer without our presence and could sufficiently wipe out zombies on its own. He pointed out that zombies ‘may’ have been working on ‘a’ nuke since 2003, while Israel possesses 300.

Paul would promote non-interventionism, focusing on self-reliance and seeking to “avoid entangling alliances” to prevent unwanted conflict. Source

A zombie with deductive-reasoning skills scares the piss out of me. You don’t even want to know about the mess I make at the prospect of zombies getting themselves a nuke.

Do you ignore a rabid chimpanzee that’s playing with a vial of weapons-grade anthrax, and hope for the best? No. Non-intervention clearly isn’t the answer here, you adorable little muppet.


Rudy Giuliani

It really depends on what our intelligence says. I mean, the reality is, the use of military force against zombies would be very dangerous. It would be very provocative. Source

I’ve got news for you, Rudy. Once those zombies set their sights on you, they’re going to try their damnedest to eat your cross-dressing, 9/11-flogging brains out… provoked, or not.

Just pretend those zombies are prostitutes and graffiti artists in Times Square: adopt a No Tolerance policy. But, you know, with the offenders getting violent beheadings instead of tickets.


Based solely on the candidates’ zombie platforms, the GWS endorsement has to go to Senator John McCain for his enthusiastic and well-constructed plans for decisively dealing with the zombie threat. I.e., bombing the shit out of them.

Sir, in the event of a zombie invasion, I would be grateful to have a doddering old man with anger issues like you as Commander-in-Chief.

1 In no way do I endorse 1) seeking advice or guidance in the lyrics of country music or 2) listening to country music.

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17 comments… add one
  • Lauren April 25, 2008, 7:38 am

    I agree! Barring, say, a miraculous appearance from Jesus with a baseball bat and zombie sidekick, bombing seems to be the way to go :D

  • (dot)lizard April 25, 2008, 8:25 am


  • Shithead April 25, 2008, 9:21 am

    Dude, god shall not have mercy on your soul. Why? Because Elvis is seated to his right, and by simply altering your quote to “A little less CONVERSATION, a little more action please”, you could have avoided mentioning Toby Keith altogether, and given a shout out to the king while satisfying the king of kings at the same time. Admit it: you are still listening to country, even though you dramatically sold all your old cd’s to that gay used cd shop.

  • Paul April 25, 2008, 11:50 am

    29 Diggs so far, nice.

  • Samirb April 25, 2008, 11:52 am

    Classic… absolutely great… damn zombies

  • Jim Dorey April 25, 2008, 11:52 am

    Hilarious! I love it. Well done!!

  • Nathan D April 25, 2008, 12:11 pm

    Um, hello — what about Nader?

    “…the US must stop saber rattling and take up zombies’ serious proposal in 2003 to negotiate all outstanding issues between the US and zombies.”


  • Great White Snark April 25, 2008, 12:14 pm

    @Nathan: He really is the ignored candidate, isn’t he?

  • nickolai April 25, 2008, 1:02 pm

    Aren’t we ignoring the elephant in the room? What does Kucinich make of the zombie hubbub?

    Actually, more importantly, what does his wife think?

  • Great White Snark April 25, 2008, 1:09 pm

    @shithead: Fact: Elvis’s colon weighed forty pounds when he died. Fact.

  • Free Quizzes April 25, 2008, 10:08 pm

    I do believe that our candidates are infact zombies, so an attack would be worthless.

  • Edison April 25, 2008, 11:08 pm

    You forgot Romney!!! Everyone knows he was much more popular then Giulianni… ;D

  • Paul April 25, 2008, 11:52 pm

    Obama voted in support of the Vitter amendment to HR 5441, the Department of Homeland Security Appropriations bill of 2007. This amendment prevents the Government from confiscating guns in a time of crisis or emergency. Imagine how the citizens felt during Hurricane Zombie when government agents kicked in doors to confiscate law abiding citizens’ guns at a time when they needed them the most. Senator Clinton voted against the amendment.

  • Ken April 27, 2008, 4:01 am

    Politics is not a gamble when it comes to real issues. We don’t need another Zombie in the White House this time around!


  • Paul April 28, 2008, 11:54 am

    Wait… there’s a Paul impostor in this comment thread!

  • tiff May 23, 2008, 12:27 pm

    this is amazing.

  • Belts August 23, 2008, 11:04 pm

    This Hilaious, like our country needs and additional trauma…

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